I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His
name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend
until last year, when we went to a trip from a
club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before
that
trip was over, I took a step and confessed my
love for him. And soon, we became a pair of
lovers, but we loved each other in different
ways. I always concentrated on him only, but
by
his side, there were so many other girls. To
me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I
was just another girl…
“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I
asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt
disappointment grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…
He was always like that. He met girls in front of
me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a
girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from
my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never
heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there
weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say
anything from the first day and it continued till
100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say
goodbye, he would just hand me a doll,
everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…
Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go
home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and
handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like
he was running away. The dolls I received from
him everyday, filled my room, one by one.
There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When I got up in the morning, I pictured a
party with him, and stranded myself in my
room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed,
dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark…
he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at
the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the
morning, he suddenly called me and woke me
from my sleep. He told me to come out of the
house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am
giving it to you now. I’m going home now,
bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my
birthday. He turned around and walked away
like nothing had happen. Then I shouted…
“Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to
him. But he just said simple cold words and
left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so
easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find
someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs
felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He
didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I
felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home
crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I
was waiting. He just continued handing me a
little doll every morning outside my house.
That’s how those dolls piled up in my room…
everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went
to school. But what made the pain resurface
was that… I saw him on a street… with another
girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he
never showed me…as he touched the doll… I
ran straight back home and looked at the dolls
in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave
these to me… Those dolls are probably picked
out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I
threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the
phone rang. It was him. He told me to come
out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to
calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to
forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he
came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really
came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing
had happen and joking around. Soon, he held
out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it
on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it
anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you
again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me.
But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He
then walked over to the road to pick up the
doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the
doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the
doll. Then…
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading
towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he
didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked
up the doll.
“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so
terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me. That’s how
he went away without even opening his eyes to
say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday
with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him…
And after spending two months like a crazy
person… I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the
day we started going out. I remembered the
days I spent with him and started to count the
days… when we were in love…
“One…two… three…” That was how… I started
to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred
and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my
arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…
“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls,
shocked
“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and
pressed its stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed
all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you…
Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was
always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I
realize that he love me this much… I took out
the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,
that was the last doll, the one that fell on the
road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice
came out, the on that I was missing so much.
“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been
loving each other for 486 days. Do you know
what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um…
since I was too shy… If you forgive me and
take this doll, I will say that I love you…
everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why?
I asked god, why do I only know about all this
now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me
until his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it
became courage… to live a beautiful life ..


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